PEAK TO PEAK — “My brother had a serious health crisis this weekend,” Heather shared. “He lives across the country, so I immediately started working with his adult daughter to sort out how to support him. I called my dad to ask for help and he refused to do anything.” 

“He refused?” I asked, surprised. “What does that mean?” 

“Yeah, his new wife ‘needed’ him,” Heather sarcastically answered. 

“Was she having a difficult time?” I asked, still confused. 

“Nope, this is just what Tina does. Ever since they got married she ‘needs’ dad for events, holidays, her dysfunctional adult children, trips, home improvement projects, you name it. I could barely get him to come out for my daughter’s college graduation. It’s the ‘new normal’ in our family—Tina Time!” Heather’s final sentence squeaked out as her voice choked with tears.

The academic journal “Innovation in Aging” reports men are more likely to remarry than women, especially after the death of a spouse. Men often engage in “swapping families,” or directing their time and energy into their new families, withdrawing from children who don’t live with them.

Before she sat down Caroline blurted out, “I finally got my family’s handcrafted furniture back.” 

“Wait, what happened?!?” I replied. In the past 15 years Caroline’s father died of cancer, her mother remarried resulting in a strained relationship with Caroline and her siblings, and then her mother passed away. Caroline hadn’t spoken to her mother’s widower in several years.

“Well, you know my mom left everything to HIM, and he refused to give us anything,” Caroline explained. ‘My brothers and I tried to talk to him about at least giving us our dad’s things that mom was storing, but he refused. ‘I don’t know where it is,’ he told us.” 

“Out of the blue I got a phone call from one of the widower’s kids; apparently he died recently. The daughter was emptying out the house and wondered if I wanted any of my dad’s stuff back. I couldn’t believe it!” Caroline excitedly responded.  

“The furniture was crafted by my great-great grandfather, and it’s finally back in our family. I’m so relieved,” Caroline quietly shared. 

A parent over the age of 65 remarrying after the death of a spouse can be complicated. Holidays and family events, the addition of step children and step grandchildren, estate and financial implications, concerns around caregiving with aging, and living arrangements with their new spouse are just some of the areas that arise needing exploration and conversation. 

Caroline’s painful experience with her mother helped her husband speak up when his mother started dating, and several of the family members on both sides engaged in family coaching with me on telehealth.

They learned that although some Baby Boomers continue to choose remarriage, other options are on the rise: Living Apart Together (LAT), Cohabitation, and Domestic Partnership. All options include committed romantic relationships however LAT couples live in separate homes, Cohabitation and Domestic Partnership couples may have legal agreements outlining specific rights and financial agreements, and all three have updated wills and trusts specifically protecting their personal assets in order to continue their generational inheritance for their children and grandchildren. 

Not only were the families able to agree on an arrangement that took care of Caroline’s mother-in-law and her new partner, the agreement supported the children and grandchildren as well. Caroline now enjoys extended holidays with her new blended family.      

Heather and her brother engaged in family therapy to process the pain and grief they’d gone through with their father and his choices. They approached their father to suggest ideas for repair, but he was only open to them spending more time with Tina (not him). They did reach out to Tina, but she wasn’t really interested in connecting and, after a couple of surface interactions, they decided to stop initiating contact. 

After grieving and accepting the reality of the relationship they had with their father, we began to put together a strong network of extended family and friends who happily supported Heather and her brother. They soon began organizing annual get-togethers and enjoying spending time with their aunts, uncles, cousins, and community.  

What’s your experience been with coupling later in life and your own family dynamics? I always appreciate hearing your experiences at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can find past articles at peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.