TUNGSTEN VALLEY - America had it too good, for too long. We used to prevent people from getting contagious diseases; we had affordable food and consumer goods; and our nation’s scientific expertise and accomplishments were the envy of the world.

I don’t know about you, but those frills always outraged me.

Why? Because we were wasting our money on that baloney, when we could have been supporting our truly deserving billionaires. Thank the heavens that we’re finally trashing vaccines, blasting food and consumer prices sky-high, and systematically dismantling our science.

Prime among the stuff we had too much of, and are now finally, thankfully, correctively disposing of, are weather and climate satellites and forecasting. The satellites were, let’s face it, transmitting too much data. We needed computers to keep track of it all.

Those excessive data were, in turn, wastefully feeding state-of-the-art forecasting and climate models. I mean, come on, if you want to know the weather, stick your head out the window. Right?

Here’s the hit list.

The Defense Meteorological Support Program (DMSP) satellites’ data feeds have been abruptly terminated, after decades of routine sharing with NOAA. DMSPs uniquely look through atmospheric layers to see hurricanes forming.

Without them, forecasters are in the dark about brewing hurricanes. DoD says the cutoff is for cybersecurity, and that this is not an unaccountable in-your-face to all of us Americans whose taxes pay for these birds and their data.

I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that they are undoubtedly, totally telling the truth.

This is definitely not a vengeful pay-back by the President for having been humiliated when he offhandedly faked a projected hurricane track with a Sharpie pen, and the Weather Service and NOAA provided contradictory, truthful information in response. (He panicked people in Alabama, when the real track was aimed at Florida. Hey, can’t anyone take a joke?)

Per the White House, in October NASA will destroy America’s fleet of Orbiting Carbon Observatory satellites by intentionally incinerating them in the atmosphere. No carbon, no climate change; it’s completely logical.

Also being destroyed is the Aqua satellite, which carries (well, carried) a wildfire detection instrument called MODIS. 

Sorry Peak to Peakers, but you didn’t need some fancy satellite looking for a wildfire. If you smell smoke, run.

NASA’s Terra and Aura climate satellites are being taken down, too, because monitoring climate was a bummer. For the real climate scoop, we’ll watch Fox News.

The important thing is, we’re saving money by trashing all these satellites. Well, technically the satellites were already bought and paid for, and their operating costs were negligible. But metaphorically we’re saving buckets of cash!

Lastly, the Administration has terminated improved forecasting tools, for our collective protection (and for which we had paid). Why? Because the models say “climate” in their descriptions, along with other dirty words like “scientific” and “weather” and “forecasting.” Off with their heads!

Reiterating, we’ve had it too good in America, for too long. From now on, we’re replacing science by praying for good weather while our billionaire masters hunker in their personal bunkers.

Here’s to making America great.

The author takes climate questions at: Peak2PeakClimate@gmail.com.