PEAK TO PEAK - In a surprise move, legendary logger and celebrity Paul Bunyan has announced that he intends to bid on the Gross Reservoir tree removal contract in 2026.

The logging phase of the project has been delayed by unresolved litigation between Denver Water and a coalition of environmental organizations but is scheduled to happen in 2026.

Bunyan said the prospect of cutting down half a million trees got his blood pumping, and he is eager to submit the winning bid.

Bunyan considers himself to be a regular working man with superhuman strength who, along with his mighty blue ox Babe, is more than a match for the brigades of Forest Harvesters hopped up on AI-blended fossil fuels.

While Bunyan and Babe have no equals when it comes to cutting trees efficiently and fast, his bid could be derailed by the need to dispose of the resulting biomass. No matter how you cut it, removing half a million trees is going to take time and resources.

One solution would be to follow the direction of the Trump Administration when they are dealing with the climate crisis, and simply declare that it is not a problem. Erase all mention of it from official sources and never speak of it again in public.

If it is no longer a problem, then there is no need to spend any money or resources on dealing with it. The problem is solved because it’s not a problem, and all that money can now be redirected to tax cuts for the oligarchs so they can buy more politicians and meddle in other people’s affairs for their personal gain.

This solution gets even better when these savings are combined with eliminating FEMA and NOAA. It only becomes a problem if something terrible happens and local resources are inadequate to deal with the devastation. Fortunately, the Trump Administration believes in magical thinking and doesn’t think any bad climate disasters will happen on their watch. Case closed.

Some local institutions, though, are hedging their bets by actually investing in CWPP projects and beefing up their emergency preparedness operations. They recognize that the Trump Administration will engage in retribution and punishment for publicly claiming that climate change is the most critical threat to our way of life by having big burly men in black ski masks jump out of unmarked cars and give wedgies or worse to anyone exercising their First Amendment rights.

This magical thinking approach might not work for Bunyan because of the physical reality of half a million trees lying around on the ground rotting while the waters are rising. After opening his eyes and accepting the reality of biomass removal, he will have a few options for physically relocating all the biomass material.

Trucking the logs away is definitely feasible, but hauling away half a million trees is going to take thousands of trucks and a lot of time—not to mention the cost of wearing out the roads with such heavy loads. What are the fossil fuel costs of using that many trucks for that long?

Since the trains use Coal Creek Canyon, Bunyan could transport the trees by train, but that involves the logistical headache of trying to coordinate with all the oil trains from Utah heading east at the same time.

Utah oil company executives and politicians are also using magical thinking as they assume that those mile-long trains with waxy oil will never derail and contaminate the Colorado rivers. It’s safe, so let’s send as many trains per day as possible for the biggest profits.

Burning the biomass using pyrolysis plants to make biochar fertilizer is technically possible. That would produce enough fertilizer to cover the entire state of Colorado six inches deep.

The problem with this approach is that it would take units the size of aircraft carriers to generate the pyrolysis and hydrothermal carbonization necessary to consume that much biomass, which includes slash and stumps. What would happen to those operations when all the biomass is burned?

Bunyan should have plenty of time to come up with a realistic bid, since Denver Water won’t be accepting bids until later this year and cutting won’t begin until 2026. It is a year out before this forest harvesting is to begin and the public doesn’t know who the contractor will be, how the biomass is going to be removed, or how long it will take to be ready to allow water from west of the Continental Divide to be pumped through the Moffat Tunnel pipeline for use by golf courses and new subdivisions along the Front Range. And what kind of restoration is proposed for when the reservoir is filled?

But wait—there is more. This is just an April Fool’s joke, but the real joke is that the Trump Administration wants you to believe that climate change isn’t a real threat but transgender women competing in artistic swimming events is.