TUNGSTEN VALLEY — Editor’s Note: This story is a totally, absolutely untrue April Fools. If it were a fake-out April Fools that’s actually true (which it’s not), our columnist would be in so much trouble.

“Are there any accounts of UAPs emerging from or submerging into our waters which could indicate a base or presence beneath the ocean’s surface?” Congresswoman Lauren Boebert, House Oversight Committee hearing on UFOs, November 12, 2025.

Rep. Boebert is on the right track, but there’s no secret undersea UFO base. It’s really at Table Mountain north of Boulder. For decades, I was in on the cover-up. Now, I’m coming clean with an interview with a marooned space alien, Gorlock, who lives there.

F: Gorlock, how’d you wind up at Table Mountain?

G: I arrived in my spaceship, what you people call a UFO, from Tau Ceti in November 1964. I was heading to Epsilon Indi, but diverted to the earth to surveil a nuclear-shot detection system being developed at Table Mountain. It turned out it was super-boring, so one night I flew to a nearby drive-in for a movie. Hovering up there, gawking at earthlings making out in their cars down below, my ship bumped an overhead power line. The electronics shorted. I fluttered a few miles, crash-landing back at Table Mountain in the dark.

F: And then?

G: Some government guys found me and my ship the next morning. They said the paperwork would be a nightmare, so we agreed to keep my presence there on the DL. They hid my UFO in the base of a big dish antenna, gave me a bunk, and hired me as a GS-7 electronics technician.

F: Table Mountain’s your home, and you’re on-staff?

G: Yeah. My ship’s unrepairable, and my home planet thinks I went to Epsilon Indi. I’ve tried signaling Tau Ceti with a big Table Mountain dish, to catch a saucer home. But so far, no luck.

F: What’s your day-to-day?

G: I worked on that nuclear detector for a while. It was garden hoses, hundreds of feet long, laid in a star pattern, with lots of holes drilled like in Breaking Bad, and all connected to a central microphone. It picked up ultra-low frequency, infrasound acoustic tones from Chinese A-bomb shots at Lop Nur. Like I said, super-boring. Your government still has a network of them. Nowadays I do odd jobs on radar measurements.

F: Ever go out?

G: Sometimes I bus over to the Boulder Bandshell where I’ve got some homeless buddies. I audit classes at CU. TV is OK; I relate to Gilligan’s Island. The news depresses me.

F: Long term outlook?

G: Take more classes at CU and try to meet some earth women, until I can hitch back to Tau Ceti.

April Fun Astro-Fact: Tau Ceti and Epsilon Indi are our nearest sun-like stars, about 12 light years away.

The sun begins the month in Pisces, entering Aries on April 24. At mid-month, days and nights are 13 and 11 hours long, respectively. On April 15, solar time equals clock time.

The moon’s dates are: Full (Pink Moon; Passover and Paschal) Moon) April 1; Last Quarter April 10; New April 17; First Quarter April 23. This year, Western and Eastern churches celebrate Easter a week apart, on Gregorian April 5 and 12, respectively. The difference involves using Julian versus Gregorian calendars for fixing March 21, and differing applications of Metonic lunar tables.

April Meteor Showers: Lyrids (parent, Comet Thatcher) and Pi Puppids (parent, Comet Grigg-Skjellerup) peak together on April 23-24. Visible in Nederland between 10 p.m. to sunrise.

Best Sky Viewing Nights (Minimal Moon): April 10-23.

Sunset (Mid-Month): Leo with red Regulus is in the southeast, with the Big Dipper in the northeast. Procyon (Rises Before the Dog) is due south. Sirius (The Dog) chases Orion in the southwest.

Midnight (Mid-Month): Vega, Deneb and Altair form the Navigator’s Triangle low in the east to northeast. Follow the Big Dipper’s arm, arcing to Arcturus and then on to Spica. Gemini is low in the west.

Sunrise (Mid-Month): The Navigator’s Triangle is overhead. Scorpius with bright red Antares is prominent in the southwest. Spica, in Virgo, sets in the southwest.

Mercury, in Aquarius, clusters with Mars, Saturn, and Neptune on the eastern horizon just before dawn, but is difficult to spot.

Venus, in Aries, emerges from the sun as the Evening Star in the western sunset.

Mars, in Pisces, is barely visible, clustered with Mercury, Saturn, and Neptune in the east at dawn. 

Jupiter, in Gemini, is high in the sky at sunset, with Castor and Pollux. It sets at 2 a.m.

Saturn, in Pisces, is barely visible, clustered with Mercury, Mars, and Neptune in the east at dawn.

Notable Space Missions: NASA’s 10-day Artemis II mission lifts off between April 1-6, sending four astronauts on the first crewed lunar flight since 1972. They will loop around the moon and return to the earth. Artemis III and IV will follow in 2027-28, testing earth-orbit rendezvous with a lunar lander and then a south pole lunar landing, respectively. SpaceX’s lander is years behind schedule; they’re now competing with Blue Origin to see who flies first.

Frank Sanders, a spectrum scientist, takes astronomy-related inquiries at backyardastronomy1@gmail.com.