PEAK TO PEAK - “I just don’t get my family. I’ve worked hard my whole life to give them what they need, and want! At the start of my career I’d work 60 hours a week or more, two jobs most of the time. I missed piano concerts and baseball games...
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PEAK TO PEAK - “I just don’t get my family. I’ve worked hard my whole life to give them what they need, and want! At the start of my career I’d work 60 hours a week or more, two jobs most of the time. I missed piano concerts and baseball games just to make sure we would all be okay.” Jack, a man in his early eighties, looked agitatedly around the office.
“It sounds like you missed out a lot on family time,” I observed.
“Yeah,” Jack emphatically nodded, “they were always out having fun while I was stuck in the basement working.”
“How long did that last,” I asked, “you working extra-long hours?” I had my suspicions Jack had done this his whole career, but I was curious what he would say.
“What do you mean?” he asked, suddenly quieter.
“At some point in your career did you stop working two jobs and start limiting your hours to more like 40-50 a week?” I outlined specifically.
“Oh, that’s not how my industry works,” Jack took on a pedantic tone. “I always had a main job that took 50-60 hours, plus side projects. You have to do that to keep up with the changing technology.”
“So, Jack,” I quietly asked, “when did you spend time with your children or wife? Extended family or friends?”
“Well, holidays. My wife loved to host. We’d have family over to celebrate the big holidays, and then she’d organize game nights and BBQ's with our friends.” Jack got a far-off look in his eyes, as he shared memories. “Of course I was usually late…”
“So, let me get this straight,” I said. “You spent your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s focusing on your career.”
“Yeah…” said Jack suspiciously. “Life is really expensive. How many kids do you have? Do you know how expensive it is to live in Colorado?”
As Jack attempted to deflect, I came back to my point. “So you had a singular focus for most of your life that included very little interaction with those closest to you.”
“I guess,” Jack said defensively.
“So tell me Jack, you came in here because you don’t ‘get’ your family. What don’t you get?” I asked, circling back to the beginning of the session.
“They’re always busy. I want them to come over to my house, sit in my living room, and talk. I ask them to stop by but they never do.” Jack looked dejectedly out the sliding door at the rushing creek.
“Wait, I thought you traveled a lot. Are you home regularly so people can stop by?” I was confused, as it had taken a while for him to be able to come in for a session due to his schedule.
“I get to travel whenever I want, but I’m here too. You’d think my family could stop in when I’m home.” Jack began to get defensive again.
During most of his career Jack was in charge. In that era of corporate America hierarchy was everything and for the most part, as long as he put in the hours and performed, he got to set the agenda. Although he said he was doing all of this for his wife and children, it was clear that his self-esteem, meaning and purpose was defined by his role in the workplace.
Jack was able to retire on top and begin a retirement others would find enviable, full of real estate acquisitions in desirable places, traveling around the world, and catching up on hiking and exploring in Colorado. However, as his retirement date moved further and further into the past, he began noticing how lonely his days were.
So he went about trying to “fix” his loneliness much the same way he used to run a corporation: by demanding his remaining family visit him on his terms. To no one’s surprise but his, this system did not work.
It’s not easy to make changes at any age, let alone your 80s, but it is possible. We started by reaching out to his adult children and their spouses to see if they would be open to family coaching.
They lived in different states with different time zones, but we were able to get them all on a Zoom session to begin the conversation: Is consistent connection with Jack possible?
Over the subsequent months I spent Zoom time meeting with different family combinations—all of the adult kids, each kid with Jack, a couple of the kids and their spouses, etc. We would regularly come back together as a large group and, with hard work, got to the point where Jack’s family was (willingly) connecting with him regularly.
Family coaching, designed to fit the unique needs of each situation, can be an ideal solution to a large group of geographically spread-out family members needing to work on a common challenge. In particular I love the intergenerational dynamics and the learning that inevitably occurs when everyone begins to work together!
By the time we wrapped up coaching, Jack was “snapping” regularly with his granddaughter.
I always appreciate hearing your perspectives at amy@peaktopeakcounseling.com, 303-258-7454, and you can find past articles at www.peaktopeakcounseling.com or find us at www.facebook.com/peaktopeakcounselingservices.