Obama : Worst President Ever

Mark Cohen PhotoMark Cohen, Nederland.  Barack Hussein Obama is the worst President ever! I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I’ll begin this morning.

Each morning for the past seven years, the sun has risen and the sunlight has cut short my precious sleep. What has Obama done about this sunlight problem? Nothing. A real man, like Donald Trump, would do something about this solar aggression rather than leave America weak and defenseless.

Once I’m awake, I must eat breakfast, so I reach for a box of Captain Crunch. But guess what? Thanks to Obama, the FDA is phasing out partially hydrogenated oils. It is now more difficult for me to get my daily dose of trans fats. There was a time when Americans were free to choose how much trans fats to consume, but those days are gone as Obama’s massive bureaucracy slowly steals our freedom and paves the way for the New World Order.

I eat my cereal and begin the drive to my office in Boulder. Gas prices are incredibly low. This sucks. Low gas prices mean more people driving, which increases greenhouse gases. It’s also unfair to the big oil companies. America’s founders wanted the big oil companies to prosper so the money can trickle down to those less fortunate than ourselves.

I stop at the corner of 9th and Canyon. But there are no transients there to give my spare change to. Unemployment has fallen from 10.1% in October of 2009 to 4.9%. All these coins are going to pile up in my SUV and eventually I will have to put them all in a big container and insert them into one of those machines at Walmart that counts coins and gives you cash. Does Obama care that I’m going to have to visit Walmart and look at a bunch of old women with their granny panties showing? Not at all.

I arrive at my office and boot up my laptop. But thanks to Obama’s net neutrality, I get fast Internet service, which means I can’t bill my clients as much for the time I spend waiting for websites to load or download documents.

I have more work than I can handle. Every client is on my butt and each one thinks his or her matter should be my top priority. Obama’s 71 months of economic expansion has made my life miserable. I don’t know if I can go on.

After a long day at work, I drive home and watch the news. Sadly, our pansy President has not launched any ground wars, so I don’t get to view any cool footage of American “shock and awe” destroying foreign cities. God, what I would not give for a President who would dress up in a flight suit and land on an aircraft carrier as a passenger on a fighter jet with a big “Mission Accomplished” banner in the background. That’s the only way to make these other pib squeak nations respect us.

I don’t know, maybe it’s a good thing that Obama hasn’t started any wars. With all the gays Obama has allowed to serve openly in our armed forces, I doubt we could win any wars anyhow. Maybe our army could win a decorating contest or something. It’s probably just a matter of time until we tell our troops to turn in their camouflage uniforms and start wearing the new mandatory rainbow combat fatigues. He’s also opened all combat jobs to females just to help Hillary win the female vote, which is going to put America at risk for four or five days each month.

The anchorwoman says the deficit has been greatly reduced and the rate of government spending has slowed. Just more evidence that the big spending liberals like Obama don’t understand the first thing about economics. It’s just common sense that if you want to generate more tax revenue to balance the budget you have to cut taxes. Anyone with a knowledge of basic arithmetic knows that.

Obama is pardoning a bunch of dangerous drug offenders, mostly black guys. How stupid. They are just going to start smoking pot again, then get the munchies and buy a bunch of junk food at the local convenience store, thus driving up the price of Fritos and Skittles. This will lead to an inflationary spiral. I don’t think Obama really considers all the possible consequences of his decisions. He just does whatever the hell he wants.

The news turns to politics. The country is sharply divided. With Osama Bin Laden dead and Al Qaeda unable to launch successful attacks on American soil, there is nothing to unite Americans. You call that leadership?

The rest of the news is boring. No blowjobs in the Oval Office. No Vice-Presidents accidentally shooting someone in the face. No outing of CIA agents for political gain. No torture. No financial crisis. FML. I guess I’ll just watch Von Miller on Dancing with the Stars.

I turn off the news and login to check my investment accounts. Damn, I’m doing incredibly well. I have more money, so at some point I’m going to pay more taxes. Thanks Obama.

Maybe I’ll smoke a cigar before I go to bed. Damn, I can’t even enjoy that. Because our pussy President normalized relations with Cuba, it’s a good Cuban cigar. Man, I miss those Swisher Sweets. Desi Arnez must be turning over in his grave. Yes, Obama’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Another thing I don’t like about Obama is what a liar he is. As a Kenyan Muslim born in Hawaii, I thought he’d keep his campaign promises to impose Sharia Law, confiscate everyone’s guns, and establish death panels so we could get rid of the old people. That was change I could believe in. Instead, he tripled the number of drone strikes on terrorists, got Bin Laden, and made it easier to get health insurance. He’s had seven years to take my guns and has the entire federal government at his disposal, but he still hasn’t managed to get my firearms. He’s just plain incompetent.

I don’t think Obama is a very good communicator. He’s always so polished, precise, and dignified. Like when Obama said, “We welcome the scrutiny of the world – because what you see in America is a country that has steadily worked to address our problems and make our union more perfect.” Why not just say, “We don’t give a pinch of raccoon poop what you think. ‘Murica!” That’s language everyone can relate to.

I guess the good news is that we will be rid of this pathetic loser in less than a year. He can go back to being a community organizer or whatever. I don’t know who our next President will be, but it’s hard to imagine how he or she could be worse than Barack Hussein Obama.

Mark Cohen

Mark Cohen, J.D., LL.M., is a lawyer in Nederland, Colorado. He is also the author of the Pepper Keane mystery series. A former chairperson of the editorial board of The Colorado Lawyer magazine, one of his interests is the use of Plain English rather than legal jargon.