Merry war on Christmas

Mark Cohen, Nederland.  Yesterday, December 7th, 2015 – a date which will live on in infamy – the War on Christmas was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the hot air forces of the Republican party.

I admit it. I love the War on Christmas.  It is my favorite time of year. I know some folks get depressed during the holidays, but not me. Let me tell you why I treasure this special season.

First, I enjoy the unique way the word “war” is used when we refer to the War on Christmas. The traditional definition of “war” meant the use of military force to defeat another nation, but during the War on Christmas, we can use “war” any way we want.

It can mean removing a 16th century Norse woodcut of a twin-tailed mermaid from Starbucks coffee cups, or just saying, “Happy Holidays.” In addition, if we can use “war” that way, why not use it other ways? When I finish this column, after my coffee loosens things up a bit, I’m going to declare war on my gastrointestinal tract. If you know what I mean.

The War on Christmas is such a happy time of year. People are so nice to each other. You’ll see someone on the street, smile at them, and say, “I hope you enjoy the holidays” or “Happy Chanukah,” and this makes them feel so good. Then they start getting into the spirit of it and treating others kindly. Pretty soon everyone is being nice to each other, which is somewhat ironic given that it’s a war.

I enjoy decorating for the War on Christmas. I enjoy cutting down pine trees and putting lights on them, to remind people of the many pine trees that grow in Nazareth and the wonderful electrical system that city had two thousand years ago. I have a manger scene, of course, that features a blond haired, blue-eyed baby Jesus just like the real one, but sometimes I will do something unique with my manger scene for the War on Christmas. Like position a live platypus right next to the Virgin Mary. Now I know there wasn’t really a live platypus present when Christ was born, but the War on Christmas is supposed to be fun.

One of the best things about the War on Christmas is watching the young children. We buy them presents and wrap them in brightly colored wrapping papers that don’t show a single image of Jesus. Many times the wrapping paper features a snowman or Santa and some reindeer because the War on Christmas is a winter holiday. We put the presents under the tree while the children sleep. The next morning they are so excited and they rush to the tree to start opening presents. They are so happy. My children love the War on Christmas.

Another fantastic thing about the War on Christmas is the way it boosts our economy. The National Retail Federation estimates Americans spend $465 billion during every War on Christmas.

People go to the mall, shop for presents, and maybe even enjoy an Orange Julius (because there is no nativity scene on an Orange Julius cup). The money we spend on presents trickles down to those less fortunate than us and helps create jobs.

Music is another wonderful aspect of the War on Christmas.

People get together and go door-to-door singing Christmas carols and spreading good cheer. Kids learn Spanish because all the stores have Jose Feliciano’s Feliz Navidad playing in the background 24/7.

One of our family traditions for the War on Christmas is to watch It’s a Wonderful Life, a film about democratic socialism.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated attack on the War on Christmas by the Republican party, the American people, in their righteous might, will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the people when I assert that we will not only defend the War on Christmas to the uttermost, but we will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that the War on Christmas is in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph.

So help us God.

Mark Cohen

Mark Cohen, J.D., LL.M., is a lawyer in Nederland, Colorado. He is also the author of the Pepper Keane mystery series. A former chairperson of the editorial board of The Colorado Lawyer magazine, one of his interests is the use of Plain English rather than legal jargon.